“We must eradicate from the soul all fear and terror of what comes towards humankind out of the future, and we must acquire serenity in all feelings and sensations about the future. We must look forward with absolute equanimity to everything that may come, and we must think only that whatever comes is given to us by a world directive full of wisdom. It is part of what we must learn in this age, namely to live out of pure trust without any security in existence. Trust in that ever present help of the spiritual world. Truly, nothing else will do, if our courage is not to fail us, and we must seek this awakening within ourselves, every morning and every evening.”

Rudolf Steiner, For the Michael Age, 1910

My focus is on what I can control, how I react, where I send my energy. Trusting now more than ever in cosmic omnipotence. And love, always love.

PS: I posted the tenth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

Like sand through my fingertips, grasping for every little bit of hope I can find that what I hold most dear will not vanish. Has it already gone? Can it ever be again?

Who’s to say how it happened, why it happened, why it is happening. I want so badly to mend what is broken, like the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi, reinforcing shattered porcelain with solid gold. But, I cannot do it alone.

I still believe. I will acknowledge the pain as an invitation for healing, and I will never lose sight of what is most important.

PS: I posted the ninth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

I’m at a loss for words. I’ve been searching for the pockets of happiness tucked into my days, which almost always inevitably involve my children, thank goodness for those three beings of light. As for everything else, I just don’t know. My heart is heavy, my stomach in knots, my brain on constant high alert. There are so many unanswered questions hovering over me, so much uncertainty. I’m trying to focus on the good, which is not always easy.

In sharing my miscarriage recovery story, I’ve noticed that I was also silent at this time exactly six months ago. Revisiting those posts has brought to the surface a lot of the gut wrenchingly raw vulnerability I experienced during those days. Has publishing them been helpful? I can’t really say, only that they are very much a part of my narrative whether they are public or private, and in the interest of reclaiming the personal blog as a medium of honest expression, I stand by my decision to reveal them.

For better or worse.

I started to write something serious, but then it got, like, way more serious than I can handle at 10:30 PM on a school night. Especially for a day that started out with a donut for breakfast, so.

Let’s talk about Netflix!

Right now, I’m looooving The Crown. I was hesitant at first, because the thumbnail looks so intense and I usually like to reserve what little viewing time I have for comedy. “Let’s watch something funny!” is what I say nearly every night to Mister Baker. A day without laughter, you know? But after making our way through every single stand-up special (the new Jim Gaffigan is hilarious, by the way), I casually mentioned that I’d like to take a peek at an historical drama about the early years of Queen Elizabeth II and Baker was totally into it.

It’s beautifully shot, and it’s so well acted. John Lithgow is incredible as Winston Churchill. I knew nothing of the show going into it, and as soon as Lithgow appeared on the screen, it was clear who he was supposed to be. He embodies that character like none other I’ve ever seen him play.

For a show that is most definitely not a comedy, it manages to be humorous in a very real way. I often wonder how accurate a depiction the whole thing is, whether the characters are reminiscent of the historical figures – some of whom are still alive – they represent. And whether or not the Royal Family watches! These are the thoughts that keep me up at night!

We’ve only got a few episodes left and then we’re back to wondering what we should watch next. Any suggestions?

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for hours, and as I sit here trying to write, it’s all I can think of. So, I’m taking a cue from my brain, which is mostly mush at this point.

There but for the grace of God go I, indeed.

What are you changing?
Who do you think you’re changing?
You can’t change things, we’re all stuck in our ways.
It’s like trying to clean the ocean,
What do you think, you can drain it?
It was poison and dry long before you came.

PS: I posted the eighth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

It doesn’t seem possible that half of January has already expired, yet that is very much the case. The late night, early morning theme continues, though now that school has started again, naps have been added into the rotation because mama is tired!

I spent the morning with all three kids at this natural playground in Balboa Park. For the better part of two hours, Emet and Jade worked collaboratively to construct a tipi-like shelter out of bamboo rods and stones. Just as it was about finished, Emet invited Roux to sit inside the little house they’d made for him, and he managed to knock it down in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t even snap a photo in time! The big kids were, of course, devastated. They really had worked so hard. But it provided a good opportunity to talk about how nearly everything in life is temporary. That however remarkable their structure was, and it really was remarkable, it was bound to topple one way or another. The point is that they had fun together while it was being built.

I’m still bummed about the photo part, though.

My heart has been heavy recently, a forlorn mix of longing and loneliness. Two different Yogi Tea bags had love related messages today. Love without trust is a river without water. Love has no fear and no vengeance. I’m sitting with these thoughts as I navigate the delicate state of my heart. Perhaps everything in life is temporary, but some things should last forever.

PS: I posted the seventh piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

Yet another dish in the I-love-this-but-I’ve-never-made-it series. Hearty, healthy, delicious, and also relatively simple to make, this soup makes a great weeknight meal since it comes together in under thirty minutes. I served it with cornbread and salad, but it would also pair well with flour tortillas or even cheese quesadillas. If you’re feeding an especially hungry crowd, you could round out the feast with sides of beans and rice. It will keep well in the fridge and make excellent leftovers, if it isn’t gobbled up in the first sitting.

1 red onion, diced
6 mini sweet peppers or 1 large bell pepper (red, yellow, orange), diced
1 lime, juiced
2 cloves garlic
1 cob of corn
1 large can diced tomatoes
1 can diced green chiles
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
6 cups chicken broth
cilantro
paprika
chili powder
garlic powder
cumin
salt and pepper to taste
ghee

Melt a little ghee in a large saucepan, and lightly sauté red onion in a little salt and pepper until translucent. Add diced peppers and heat for a few minutes. Season onion and pepper mixture with paprika, garlic powder, cumin, and chili powder, and allow for mixture to become fragrant. Add lime juice, stir until vegetables soften. Add can of tomatoes and can of green chiles. Press garlic cloves directly into saucepan and combine with vegetables. Add broth, cob of corn, and chicken breasts, and bring to boil. Pull out chicken breasts once cooked through, about seven to ten minutes, and shred with fork. Return meat to saucepan and remove cob of corn. Separate kernels from cob, discard cob, and add kernels back to saucepan. Add cilantro, and simmer for a few minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot, garnished with tortilla chips.

PS: I posted the sixth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

While we’re on the subject of reading, I thought I’d share a little more about our bedtime story ritual. Reading aloud to my children is easily one of my favorite ways to spend time with them, and it’s something I’ve been doing since my eldest was just a babe in arms. When they were much younger, I would read to my two older kids together, usually something from the Brothers Grimm or Hans Christen Anderson. But as they grew, I began reading each of them their own chapter book, and that is where the fun really began. I love that they both still enjoy this daily tradition as much as I do.

We’re currently making our way through these two:

Wildwood Imperium – The third and final installment of the Wildwood Chronicles, a fantasy trilogy by Colin Meloy (lead singer of The Decembrists), and illustrated by his wife Carson Ellis. It’s an excellent middle-grades story, not too scary, but definitely thrilling. A little bit dark, a little bit adorable, and an all around good read, I highly recommend this series.

A Little Princess – Frances Hodgson Burnett’s classic tale of Sara Crewe, orphaned as a young girl while living in an uppity boarding school in London. The language is beautiful, the story important, which is why it is still in print after more than one hundred years. Our copy came in this lovely box set, with charming cover illustrations by Anna Bond.

The toddler loves his before bed story time as much as the other two, but we’ve not quite graduated to chapter books. He does enjoy some longer stories mingled in with his favorite board books, and the rotation is constantly changing.

Here’s what he’s loving at the moment:

Curious George – Our copy is old as it’s been with us since my big kids were little, but Roux is loving the longer stories about the mischievous little monkey. I always forget that The Man in the Yellow Hat actually poached George from Africa, so the first story in the collection is a little peculiar that way.

The Way Back Home – My husband bought this for the baby while he was still in the NICU and for the longest time I couldn’t get through it without crying. But it’s a cute story, with super cute illustrations, and a sweet family memory to boot.

Hello Ninja – We love love love this one. And Roux has actually memorized the words, so he likes to “read” it himself, which is just about the most precious thing ever.

Longjohns – This was actually Emet’s first favorite book, and it became Roux’s first favorite. It’s brilliant in that it tells the story of an entire day with only single words on each page. Another one that Roux has memorized and loves to “read”.

We also have several books checked out from our local library about firetrucks, big rigs, and space shuttles, the kind with photographs and straightforward information. Roux is absolutely obsessed, and it was actually his big brother who took him to the library to look for these books, which is definitely as precious as it sounds. When he wakes up in the morning on the weekends, inevitably earlier than I would like, I can bring a few books to him in his crib, and he’ll happily sit there and “read” to himself for a decent amount of time.

All three of my kids love to read independently, and I like to think our reading together since early childhood has a little something to do with this.

PS: I posted the fifth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

I used to devour literature, yet I think I can count on one hand the number of books I read last year. Maybe two hands, but still. This is, of course, not counting the books I read to my children. We are still very much with the bedtime stories over here, even with my big kids, a practice I cherish. But I haven’t gotten nearly enough personal reading done, and I’d like to change that.

The first book I finished this year is an autobiographical compendium of funny stories by Anna Kendrick, best known for that infamous “Cup Song”. Turns out she comes by her vocal prowess honestly, as a bona fide Broadway veteran – she was nominated for a Tony award at the age of twelve for her role in High Society. I had no idea!

She chronicles her many misadventures on the path to building a successful career in entertainment, from her humble formative years in Maine through her struggling early years in Hollywood, to her current status as a busy single gal who will always value “work over relationships.” She’s incredibly honest, with a charming sense of humor and a healthy dose of self-deprecation. I enjoyed her take on the industry, primarily because of her perspective of how ridiculous the whole thing is.

My favorite bit, by far, was the way in which she described her turn as an Oscar nominee set against the backdrop of barely being able to make ends meet. At one point, as she was being flown all over the country promoting the film for which she was nominated, she asked if she could stay at a less-fancy hotel and pocket the difference. That’s not how it works, is the answer she was given.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen much of her work, and I picked up the book simply because it was on display very close to the checkout desk at our local library and I liked the title. I did enjoy Pitch Perfect, so I figured I’d give it a go. It seemed like an excellent way to counterbalance all those dense Holy Nights lectures I was reading, and it was exactly that. A quick and delightful read, written by someone who seems to have navigated the most brutal business without losing her sense of self. I can say from personal experience, that is not an easy thing to do. And yes, I’m definitely going to watch Up in the Air.

PS: I posted the fourth piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.

The first full moon of 2017 is upon us, and she is glorious. She rose in the early hours of this morning, and I have been feeling her power all day long. She’s in the watery sign of Cancer, an opportunity to cleanse, to wash away all that isn’t necessary. But also an invitation to feel, deeply, like salt on a open wound.

Traditionally, this moon is known as the Wolf Moon, a ripe opportunity to declare intentions for the coming year. Less like resolutions, and more like aspirations. Where would you like to be at the end of this year? What would you like to achieve?

I’m a big fan lunar cycle self-care. My rituals almost always include soaking in a candlelit bath infused with crystals, oils and epsom salts. Journaling and taking the time to quietly clear my head before climbing into bed so as to better connect with my sleep life are also high on my list of ways to honor the occasion. If I manage to make it to a moon lodge, all the better. There’s nothing I like more than sitting in circle with other ladies in the light of the moon, holding space for ourselves and each other, in reverence and appreciation of sisterhood.

Tonight I brought lepidolite and black tourmaline with me into the tub, stones of transformation and protection. I thought about how times of great adversity are, more often than not, opportunities. Regardless of what is happening globally or governmentally, I am choosing to perceive this moment as a chance to be love, to spread kindness, to absorb light and reflect it everywhere I go.

Just like the moon.

PS: I posted the third piece of my miscarriage recovery story, if you’re interested.