Tag: happy

I LIKE YOU, THIRTYTWO

Posted on by Lynzie · 4 Comments

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I will be the first to say that 32 started off just about as perfectly as can be, complete with beaucoup des fleurs and a homemade pie. Indeed, last Saturday was all kinds of special, I must’ve said at least a dozen times that I was having the best birthday. I say that every year and every year it is true, but this was the first time in ages that I went and had an actual party, a last minute decision that turned out to be a brilliant idea as it resulted in an unforgettable evening filled with friends and laughter and a whole lot of me feeling like the luckiest gal in all the land.

The week that followed, however, not so much.

Did I tell you about the giant second degree burns I sustained on, of all places, my boobs?! Because oh em gee double you tea effff. My french press erupted on me, drenching my upper body with scalding hot coffee, leaving me with an impressive wound that oddly resembles the silhouette of a pot bellied pig. Breastfeeding has been a bit complicated, especially since my tiny guy likes to touch me when he’s nursing. Oh, and not only is healing from a burn mighty painful, it’s pretty gross too. Super fun stuff.

This was the morning after I got a parking ticket, by the way.

And that baby of mine, he’s plum given up on sleep. Like, maybe he sleeps eight hours a day. Total. And not all at the same time, either. We are going crazy, at least I know I am. The dreams I’m having, if you can even call them dreams, are wild and feverish and terribly, terribly haunting. I’m restless and usually feel more disoriented than refreshed.

BUT I REFUSE TO LET THESE THINGS GET IN THE WAY OF MY BIRTHDAY HIGH, is what I keep telling myself. And you know what? It’s kind of working.

I’ve got big plans for this year, my friends. I can’t think of the last time I have felt simultaneously inspired and motivated, and I have decided to take full advantage of this enthusiasm by setting actual – and attainable – goals for myself. The last few years have been characterized by such instability and uncertainty that it was all I could do to just survive. These days, I’m more settled and focused than ever before, not just surviving, but thriving. I’ve had a few projects and a few secret wishes swirling around in my head for what seems like forever and I’ve decided now’s the time to take action, to stop thinking about doing these things and to just do them already. If not now, when? I don’t remember when I last composed a specific list of things to accomplish, and I’m hopeful that by doing so, I’m able to retain a better sense of where I am and where it is that I’d like to be this time next year.

(more…)

HELLO, JUNE

Posted on by Lynzie · 1 Comment

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image via

I have no fewer than six essays in various stages of completion cluttering my drafts folder, in case you were wondering. I haven’t had a lot of time to finish things lately, and not just silly things like blog posts. My to-do list is long, and although I’m getting through it much more slowly than I’d like, I have managed to do a pretty commendable job of fattening up a certain tiny guy. I thought about it the other day, and I literally spend between 4-6 hours a day nursing him, which doesn’t exactly leave time for much else, although I did manage to tackle all the laundry, a personal victory.

June really crept up on me, which is fine by me seeing as it’s one of my favorites. I love me a good summer solstice. Also, there are just three school days left before summer vacation officially begins, and thank goodness because I’m pretty sure we’re all already on break. I’m really really looking forward to lots of little adventures with all three of my kiddos — I plan on taking full advantage of the fact that we live in San Diego, one of the loveliest cities on planet Earth, which is finally starting to feel like home.

I started this blog back up last year around this time, well before I knew I was pregnant, when I was just starting to feel like myself again after a couple of really turbulent years, including that one in Oregon that really unsettled me to the core. One year later, and I’ve got a new baby, we live in a lovely new-to-us home, and we’re more settled as a family than we’ve ever been, Jesse included. In other words, a lot has happened over the last twelve months, and somehow I’ve managed to chronicle bits and pieces of it here. And only one recipe! Shame on me, is all I have to say about that, but the rest of it is pretty spot on and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m rather proud of what I’ve published.

This next year is sure to bring lots more exciting things to write about, including wedding shenanigans. I apologize in advance for the many posts to come about all things related to our totally rad future nuptials, but there are just too many thoughts and they have to go somewhere! I also hope to incorporate more recipes and even a few craft projects into the rotation because, let’s face it, those things are helpful! I’ve learned too many things from the internet not to give back at least a little.

Thank you for reading this silly ol’ blog of mine. I really do pour my heart into the things I write, and having you along for the journey is nice company. Your comments and messages are so kind and thoughtful, I appreciate each and every one and feel pretty lucky to have such a gracious audience.

Seriously, though. My precious firstborn is one month away from turning eleven years old. His tenth birthday was a day I’ll never forget, as it was the very last day of my life as a mother of two. Discovering that a new baby would be joining our family the following day, and all that has happened since, has been wild and wonderful. I can’t even begin to imagine what lies in store for us this coming year. I’m sure there will be plenty of good stories to tell.

19/52

Posted on by Lynzie · 1 Comment

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“a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2014”

Emet: A constant state of motion.
Jade: Smile for the camera.
Roux: Fresh from a nap.

I’ve always had a kind of love/hate relationship with this holiday, if it’s even really a holiday, I’m still not sure? For starters, my own mother and I have a long history of tragic encounters as I always fell short of her expectations surrounding Mother’s Day. Then, five years ago, I made the decision to end my marriage to the father of my two older children, the inciting incident involving Mother’s Day plans that had gone awry. Of course, this particular infraction was the last in a long string of similar disappointments, but nonetheless, making such a choice cast a certain kind of damper on the day meant for honoring my role as a mother.

Each year since, Mother’s Day has found me in an unsettled place. Whether I was just starting a new job, struggling to make a strange city feel like home, or battling with plain old anxiety, it seems this day has always brought with it some sort of challenge.

Today started about as unpleasantly as possible, with a crying baby after a rather restless night, followed shortly by a sibling squabble that erupted into full on hysterics. And this was all before I’d even had any coffee! I declared our family unfit for any sort of outing, and set us all to work on various chores instead. Somewhere between the third load of laundry and moving furniture in the dining room, I realized how far five years has brought me.

Never in a million years could I have conceived of the journey that began the morning I chose divorce over despair. Yet here I am, older, wiser, happier, more grateful, more fulfilled, and more inspired than ever before. Sure, I didn’t get breakfast in bed, or even a day without my kids fighting, but this Mother’s Day was spent with the family I have always wanted caring for the house I have always dreamed of, and it was perfect. I even took photos!

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Little by little, our living space is transforming into a reflection of our family and our lifestyle. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in a place that I truly moved into, with photos in frames and art on the walls, and with help from each member of this sweet family of mine, our house is starting to really feel like our home.

Happy Mother’s Day, indeed.

HIGH // LOW // THANKFUL

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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It seems as though my infant has developed a bit of a co-dependent sleeping habit, stubborn li’l sucker. Literally, sucker, as in the dreaded pacifier. I was never much of a pacifier enthusiast, until my oldest child, at the age of eleven months, decided to cut eight teeth at one time and was sucking on anything he could find. The pacifier, I reasoned, was at least a controlled substance, and these were the days before the now ubiquitous teething necklaces. He held on to that bloody thing until shortly after his third birthday, and at around fourteen months old, dubbed it his dodo, as in the bird, and the name has stuck.

Dodo.

It has a nice ring to it, much more so than binky. I can’t stand the word binky. So. Dodo. Jade would have nothing to do with one and therefore spent much of her infancy as a chubby pink ball of inconsolable screaming, but Roux loves him some dody. I blame the hospital and the fact that he was given a pacifier before he was given any other kind of nipple, but the fact remains that without it, my baby just will not sleep. On some days, he won’t sleep without being held and isn’t that fun? A great way to get things done, holding a baby, and I do believe my house has reached maximum clutter capacity, just in time for spring cleaning. It’s still spring, right? I live in San Diego, I can’t ever tell. Sorry, rest of the country, but what they say is true. This is America’s Finest City.

HIGH: Enough with the crying already, is what my baby is probably thinking, but Roux decided that he really likes it when we play pat-a-cake, like really, really likes it, and his face lights up in the most splendid way and it gets me every time. My heart was already a tender thing, but ever since my sweet little Huckleberry friend came into the world, I’m one giant weepfest. Life is just so beautiful, and I’m so overwhelmingly grateful, that my body literally can’t contain the wonder of it all and so my eyes leak. I can’t help it.

LOW: TAKE A NAP, BABY. That is all.

THANKFUL: After nearly seven years as a non-vehicular adult, I have joined the ranks of The Driving. Turns out, it’s not so bad. I think it’s pretty funny that I’ll be 32 this summer, and getting my license again has given me the same feeling of freedom I had when I got it the first time, sixteen years ago. Hey! Wanna go to the mall?! Kidding. But really, I had no idea that not having my driver’s license was holding me back as much as it was, and even though I’ll always have a soft spot for urban cycling, I’m pretty glad to have the ability to get around town in a car.

Tonight, the mister and I are headed out on our first actual date. We’re leaving all three kids at home with a babysitter (Thanks, Jesse!), and have plans to eat delicious food and see some stand-up comedy. We haven’t gone out like this since Babe’s birthday back in January, which means I will be washing my hair and shaving my legs today, thank you very much.

Wishing all you lovely mamas out there a Happy Mother’s Day! May you be doted on by your loved ones to your heart’s content. And chocolate.

HIGH // LOW // THANKFUL

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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Having a preemie is a special kind of blessing. That Roux came to me as early as he did meant that, right from the beginning, we were starting from a different place. The first several days of his life were filled with so many questions and so much pain, and every week since has been a little less uncertain and a little more relaxed. Of all the things I have done, surviving those first two months of my tiny guy’s life was by far the most challenging. A baby born before it has fully developed is not the same as a baby born at term, and I will never forget how small and fragile he was the first time I held him, 36 hours after his birth.

Ten weeks later, and suddenly my preemie has grown into a baby. A squishy little person, all bright eyed and gurgly. He’s chubbed up quite nicely, and to us he seems so much bigger than he was – because he is so much bigger than he was! He has more than doubled his birthweight, weighing just about nine pounds, and fits nicely into his newborn clothes. What’s most exciting, though, is that on his seventieth day on Earth, he woke up.

HIGH: On Monday, Roux smiled at me, really smiled at me, for the first time in his life. It made me weep, from such a precious place that only a brand new mother holding her newborn infant can access, and I will always remember this as the moment my Roux Huckleberry met me. He has given me the same wide mouthed grin every day since, each time another tug on my heartstrings. I am so glad he’s here.

LOW: Extended Family Drama. Honestly, it is instances like these that make me overwhelmingly grateful for my sweet nuclear family and our lovely life, remarkably free from familial obligation and other such cumbersome attachments.

THANKFUL: Not to brag or anything, but my baby is sleeping through the night more often than not. He goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 each evening, and wakes up once between 2-4 AM, or not at all. The pediatrician was so impressed with his mature sleeping patterns as well as his substantial weight gain, and gave us a very positive prognosis. We were given quite a scare during those first few weeks, and being clear of most of what was presented to us is nothing short of a miracle. All babies are miracles, life is a miracle, but this tiny guy is my miracle. I’m just so, so grateful and I’m not sure that I ever won’t be grateful for how well he overcame his birth.

I, on the other hand, have a lot of healing to do. But knowing that my tiny guy is developing well is an invitation to turn my energy toward my own recovery.

ODE TO SPRING BREAK

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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image via mister baker’s instagram

I love this time of year, when the weather is dancing between moody and bright, and the colorful wildflowers indigenous to coastal Southern California are in full blossom. It’s still too cold to bare shoulders, but thick sweaters have definitely been put away for the season. The days are being to stretch bringing with them hints of summer nights, and everything seems just a little bit more relaxed, as if the Earth herself has let out a sigh of relief that yet another harsh winter has been survived.

These days have been good to me. The baby is sleeping a little more regularly at night, and consequently, I have more energy. Thank goodness, because I was teetering on the verge of exhaustion and/or hysteria. Having the big kids home from school was exactly what I needed, and while we spent most days cozied up in our house playing card games and watching classic movies from when I was a kid, we managed to make one excursion to the beach while Babe’s sister was in town.

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We also took advantage of the fact that she stayed in a hotel with a rooftop pool, and enjoyed a fun afternoon of swimming and sitting in the hot tub. Just as we had suspected, our tiny guy is a real water baby! He was so relaxed and content floating around in the jacuzzi, and he looked mighty cute in his new swimsuit and sunhat.

Today was the day I had originally intended to return to work, and although I miss my students and my colleague something awful, I’m glad to have made the decision to extend my leave. Instead of rushing to ready myself along with the kids in preparation for a day of school, like a proper stay-at-home-mama, my morning consisted of making breakfast, packing lunch boxes, doing laundry, and nursing a baby. I made a lovely lunch for my sweet mister and me, got a bit of writing done, and even managed to take a nap.

I don’t plan on staying home for very long, but I do plan on taking full advantage of this time while it lasts.

TWO

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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I’m going to be come right out and say it, the second month was hard. Weeks on end of irregular and interrupted sleep wreaked havoc on my nervous system, and it manifested as good old fashioned anxiety with a smattering of depression. Also, high blood pressure and I never have high blood pressure. Except for that one time during labor, and this is where I tell you that the birth story, and all of its gory – literally, gory – details, is forthcoming, but that it might take me a while. I mean, it only took me ten years to write the story of my first birth! But I digress!

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Week Seven just about knocked me flat on my back, and I spent all day, every day in bed. This baby of mine, he needs me. Needs me in a way my other two never really did, those two have always been so independent and extroverted. Not this baby. He wants to be held all of the time, and eat all of the time, and to quietly observe our family while perched upon either his father’s shoulder, or mine. He missed out on an entire month of time in utero, it makes perfect sense as to why he wants to spend so much time snuggled up to one of us, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It does, however, make it necessary, which is why I had to make the difficult decision to extend my maternity leave until the Fall.

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Ugh! The guilt! Once I finally accepted that as much as I want to, I can’t actually do everything – including being a handwork teacher while carrying an infant – I got a little bit excited about getting to spend these next few months at home.

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This tiny guy, well, he’s not so tiny these days. In fact, he officially grown out of his preemie clothes and is fitting nicely into the newborn size. We’ve used an Honest Co. diaper bundle this last month, and we’re going to continue for another month, but in the next size up. And because he’s eating and growing as well as he is, we’re actually starting to get a little sleep around here, about four to five solid hours at least once a night. Life changing.

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He’s still not the most interested in people or things, but he has started to discover his voice and the sounds he makes are a cross between Gizmo, deflating balloons, and choirs of angels. Just perfect.

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Adjusting to life with a new baby is accepting that everything is in constant transition, this is as true for the first time as it is for the third. There are just more variables, like school days and baseball practice, which only add to the chaos. But it’s all chaos, so what’s the difference? We’re figuring it out as we go, one day at a time, and so far, we’re doing pretty darn well. We hit the ground sprinting, and are just starting to find a more comfortable pace.

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Oh Huckle, my Huckle! I knew you were going to be a cute baby, but the cutest baby? You are the spitting image of your father when he was a baby, and aren’t you lucky because he is one handsome fellow. In the night, when you are hungry, you whimper so sweetly that I can’t help but be happy to scoop you up into my arms and give you milk, your favorite thing on Earth. I’m lucky to be the one who gets to nourish and sustain you, and those moments are some of my most favorite. You have made the most perfect addition to our family, even better than the bunny I wanted. I mean, I still want the bunny, but now the bunny will be for you! When we get the bunny, that is. Maybe next Easter, wink wink?

ONE

Posted on by Lynzie · 1 Comment

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And just like that, the first month of his life has passed. And what a month it was, full of surprises and challenges and so much love. The kind of month that changes you in such a way that you can barely remember what it was like before.

To celebrate this milestone, we gave our tiny guy his very first bath. And let me tell you, he was not impressed with the gesture.

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He was really upset about being wet.

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Turns out, there aren’t many things that make my Huckleberry friend angry, but diaper changes and baths are at the very top of the list.

He’s a remarkably peaceful baby, generally content and easily soothed. Of course, he loves his mama’s arms most of all, followed closely by daddy’s chest. He is always happy to be worn, skin to skin, in my Solly Baby Wrap, and has his very own cozy spot in nearly every room of our home. In fact, he’s napping in his wooly-lined Moses basket right next to me as I type this, all bundled and smelling fresh.

Because he’s still so small, our main task is to get his weight up, which means we’re on a strict feeding regimen. He and I spend a lot of time together learning our nursing habits, which is fine by me because nursing a baby is one of my most favorite things in life, ever. We had our first bottle-free day today, a huge success in the world of premature infant nutrition. Tomorrow, we’ll see his pediatrician – a young doctor who was present at his birth – for our fifth (yes, fifth) weight check since being discharged from the NICU. Fingers crossed we’re over five pounds!

Life with a brand new baby is a lot of things, and not all of them easy. But life with this brand new baby is nothing if not spectacular.

Oh, Roux Huckleberry! Thank you for choosing our family, for bringing your sweet spirit and positive energy into our home, and for being so darn cute. Everything is better because of you. We love you so.

04/52

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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“a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, for 2014”

Emet: The best big brother.
Jade: Sweet sleepy girl.

Between long days at school, various playdates and sleepovers, and a lot of time spent preparing for baby, it was difficult for me to find time to shoot this week’s portraits. My original intention when I started this project was to shoot exclusively with the fancy camera in natural light, and when the entire weekend vanished without me taking single picture, I knew I was going to have to shoot inside our poorly lit house.

I made two different attempts, and neither of them resulted in any exceptional photos, but I shared several priceless moments with both of my kids and really, that is what this project is all about.

In other news, January has been an incredible month for our family. February is shaping up to be equally as exciting, and March. Well, March is when things get really good. 2014, I just knew you were going to be fantastic.

A MOST SPECIAL BIRTHDAY

Posted on by Lynzie · 1 Comment

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courtesy of my favorite instagram account

Today, we celebrated 35 years of Mister Babe Elliott Baker, the most lovely human of all.

Actually, the celebration started Friday, with a leisurely date night. Just the two of us, we enjoyed an incredible meal, found this great jacket for the birthday boy, and caught a very late showing of Wolf of Wall Street. Even though I slept for more than two of the three hour film, it was our first trip to the movie theatre since 2012 and I loved every second of it. Plus, I’d already seen it (I’d like the thank the Academy for that one) so a nap on the lap of my love was pretty much perfection.

In spite of yesterday’s royal SNAFU, we managed to get ourselves good and ready to have this baby by finally ordering all the supplies for the home birth. The nesting hormones have kicked in at full throttle, and I’d have reorganized my entire house if it weren’t for this foot of mine. Why oh why did I have to break my foot? I’m still searching for the lesson in this one, though I have my theories.

We had intended to go to the museum today, but learned last minute that it is closed this week for installation! Instead, we spent the day having spontaneous adventures that included donuts for brunch, and you just can’t go wrong when your day starts with donuts, am I right? The kids and I made sure the guest of honor felt positively spoiled, and I mean, I couldn’t have had a better time if it were my own birthday. Which is convenient, seeing as today is my half-birthday.

Isn’t that cute?